FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

Someone, anyone, pleeeeeeeease say something about that Postsecret card. I can't figure out if I relate or not, but I'm quite compelled by the idea. Also, if you're going to do some vaginally-rose inspired art, this is kind of nice. Right? Or whatever.

The silence is DEAFENING. THAT'S WHY CAPS ARE AWESOME-- I AM PRETTY SURE SOMEONE'S GOT TO BE HEARING ME RIGHT NOW.

Thanks, Tina Fey!

Another thought-provoking bit from today's Perez Hilton:

Tina Fey on mocking Paris Hilton on Howard Stern’s radio show: “I regret sinking down to that level of discourse. But Paris is a terrible role model and a terrible young woman. She needs to be ignored. I work with people who have 12-, 13-, 14-year-old girls who are fascinated by her. They look up to her, and that’s not great. You can buy videotapes in which you can see her bejanis.”

Woot! BEJANIS!

From Today's Postsecret:

Discuss.

xoxoxo--The Oval Office

"An orifice that the good Lord gave us"

Surgeons have decided that instead of making new holes in patients to insert instruments and extract yucky things like tumors, they will use our "god-given" orifices. And being that we have the roomiest and most pliable holes (as compared to our male counterparts), certain surgical procedures will be a lot less gory and leave fewer scars.

The vagina is a wonderous thing isn't it?!

Oh My!

I hope this t-shirt doesn't mean to discriminate against twat of other religious faiths. We celebrate ALL vadge!

All I want for Christmas...

It's Crotchy!

On Presstube:

Presstube is proud to present 'Crotchy', the first collaborative project of Jen Ham & James Paterson. It is a one of a kind art toy hand made by Jen.

Crotchy is:- 12" tall- Made of cotton- Free standing- Posable
Crotchy has:- Puffy crotch panel - Pink button anus - Long lady legs - Awesome 'Mom' tattoo

I'd love for us to compile a nice shopping guide for those who would like to do vagina-themed gift giving this season. Ladies?

xoxoxo
The O. O.

old skool blogging

I've dedicated this evening to catching up on my favorite blogs from a few years ago when all I did all day was catch up on my favorite blogs. Strangely, most of them were "mommy blogs." Some of my favorites are big deals now (see Dooce, Mighty Girl, and Suburban Bliss, among many others). When I think of blogging, I think of a giant network of women telling their stories and creating smart, supportive, creative communities. I'm glad that my first blog-reading experiences were made by women and I hope that as I get smarter and craftier, I can contribute too. Here's an excellent vadge-related post by Joy Unexpected.

Tampon Crafts!

OB Christmas lights!

I do believe I've found our sister site! For all you crafty pussies, here is a better-late-than-never Thanksgiving centerpiece , a cute Christmas tree topper, and even a great gift for dad. All courtesy of these fine artists.

Cervical Snark

re. the HPV vaccine and its wonderfulness: words of wisdom from spEak You're bRanes.

Gratitude

Hello ladies and your business,

Just wanted to shout out on this day of gratitude to my vadge, your vadges, and vadges everywhere. Hooray for twat!




Yours in vagitude,

McTwat

I sent an e-mail to Nikol of Midwest Teen Sex Show begging her to link to our vadgtastic blog and this is what I got in return.


Mink Muffler,

We have to link to your site just on principle, because it's the
VadgeBlog. I love it.

I'm also glad you're enjoying the show. Not only should you send our
link to nieces and nephews, but talk to them about it after they've
viewed a few episodes. Great conversation for Thanksgiving dinner.

We'll post a link to the site in the next few weeks.

Keep rocking the Utah (and insert other appropriate state names here) vadges!

Nikol

Don't you just love this girl?

I can't help myself when it comes to videos... And well, a new name to add to the euphemism list, "vajean". Good word...

a little cartoon character with eyes that walks around

From Harper's Weekly News Roundup:

The New York Times Style section published a feature on the rise of the term "vajayjay" to describe female genitalia. "The reason that vajayjay has caught on, I think, is because there is a black--Southern especially--naming tradition, which is to have names like Ray Ray and Boo Boo and things like that," said John H. McWhorter, a linguist at the Manhattan Institute. "It sounds warm and familiar and it almost makes the vagina feel like a little cartoon character with eyes that walks around." In Johannesburg a contestant on the reality-TV show Big Brother Africa was caught on camera digitally penetrating an unconscious female housemate and then, after heeding the pleas of another female contestant to desist, sitting alone sniffing his fingers. The contestant explained his behavior by telling his fellow housemates, "Well, this is Africa."

TALK SHOW HOST TYRA BANKS DEDICATES AN ENTIRE SHOW TO "DOWN THERE" ON NOV 5TH

Talk show host dedicates an entire hour to discussing the vagina with her audience, on “The Tyra Banks Show,” airing on Monday, November 5 (check local listings for stations and times). From the look of the vagina to the newest ways to prevent HPV, Tyra holds a no-holds barred discussion with her audience about the least talked (and looked at) about part of a woman’s part. Tyra says, “I have wanted to do this show for two years. I know for a lot of women talking about what is going on in our bodies is extremely difficult, but it is incredibly important. We should be able to talk to our daughters, sisters, mothers and friends about our bodies and not be embarrassed. I hope after this show women will not be ashamed about what’s up down there.”

Tyra begins the hour giving her audience a test to see if they can name all the parts of the vagina to unbelievable results – only 11% of her audience filled out the anatomical chart correctly. Shocked by the results, Tyra welcomes gynecologist Dr. Debby Herbenick to give her viewers a quick tour of their nether regions with a velvet and satin “vagina puppet” pointing out the clitoris, the labia minora and labia majora and the urethra.

Having avoided the doctor for 28 years, Tyra takes a Plano, Texas woman, who happens to be a registered nurse, to her very first gynecological appointment. After the woman breaks down in tears, Tyra gives her support and holds her hand of the woman while she has her first PAP test and breast exam with Dr. Michelle Francis of New York. Tyra says, “As we were getting closer to the exam, I could literally feel how tense she was.” Tyra welcomes the woman and Dr. Francis back to her stage to talk about her experience and to give her the results of her PAP – and to make her promise to go again next year.

Also on the show, Tyra introduces gynecologist Dr. Donnica Moore who educates Tyra’s audience on the importance of PAP smears and the newest vaccination for young women that can prevent the human papillomavirus – a virus that can cause cancer.

Tyra also shares with the audience the moment her mother gave her a hand mirror and told her to look at herself “down there.” Tyra says, “My mother told me to look at myself because, ‘It’s just another part of your body that needs to be healthy just like your eyes, your nose, your ears, your mouth and everything else.’”

Thanks to Perez Hilton for this vagi-tastic info!

Happy Halloween from my vadge to yours!

Now I'm off to indulge in my Halloween tradition of buying myself a new toy!

more student papers...

Today's Topic: How to end a paragraph with a bang!

Okay, I know I should be grading these papers and I have been, but I must share. This isn't so much vadge-related as it is moron-related. Because this is another paper on the topic of dads and pregnancy hormones (still just a wee bit vadge-related), I thought I'd share a juicy passage that made me snort (really):

...however two of them did have the same cravings for food as there wives did. I asked them why they thought that was and they both think it had to do with the wife buying the mass amounts of sweets and leaving them around the house (first snort). Another possibility is that while the wife is eating for two the husband tends to eat equal amounts alongside his wife. Which we all know they can be very appealing once they've been placed in front of you, especially days at a time (the wives or the sweets?) There have been several studies that show this. (get ready) Certain colors and color combinations have shown to ignite the specific parts of the brain to trigger hunger. Which is the reason why McDonalds chose red and yellow to be on the exterior of their buildings.

There you have it, vaginas! I was pretty sure that someone would hit the jackpot with this essay and this fellow has. This is possibly the most brilliant non-sequitor that I have ever seen in a student paper.

p.s. Who even says "sweets" anymore???!

"while the woman has her nervous breakdown"

I teach writing in, as multiple studies have shown, the most politically and socially conservative town in the country. Incidentally, it has been listed as one of the best places to raise a child. The incongruities there are too much for me to handle. I've been grading a set of papers for my classes for what feels like an eternity. One of the possible assignments was for the student to read an article that discusses research that has shown that men experience hormonal shifts when their intimate partner is pregnant. Amazingly, this topic has encouraged a terrifying range of forums for beliefs about gender roles to be aired. I promised myself that this morning I would just grade away and not even look at blogs, but here I am. This is a portion of a paper written by a young, smart woman who is outgoing and enjoyable in class:

I believe that God has made men and women's personalities complementary to one another. One complementary contribution of the man is logic. Men are very realistic and to-the-point; they say it like it is. A woman, on the other hand, worries about superficial things such as how big she's getting (when pregnant) or how much change is happening in her personal appearance. The man's more realistic and less emotional side will make sure that necessary steps are taken to keep the household running while the woman has her emotional breakdown (meaning pregnancy).

I actually sort of want to cry. If this were the only paper of its kind, maybe tears wouldn't be necessary. Sadly, this is the overwhelming sentiment by men and women in my classes.

Back to grading.

"the words were in my head, but couldn't get onto the paper"

I am one of the few people I know that has not taken an SSRI for depression. I am a Wellbutrin girl. At least I was until a few weeks ago. Wellbutrin is often championed over SSRIs in part because it doesn't decrease libido or weaken orgasms, but its side effects (at least for me) were just as debilitating. Like OO, I am going it med-free these days.

At first, Wellbutrin was my savior. I was suffering from depression and had refused drug treatment for years. A therapist finally scared me into trying something when she said "this isn't going to just get better". I took it for eight years. I lost 20 lbs. I experienced no decrease in sex drive. I had boundless energy. The flip side to that was the horrible anxiety and paranoia I started to experience. My hands shook constantly and I was irritable and on-edge most of the time. Additionally, I swore it was affecting my verbal abilities and my writing. When I told my doctor he looked puzzled and said he hadn't heard that particular side effect before. After doing some research, I found that this isn't uncommon.

A year ago, I was forced to switch to Budeprion, the generic version of Wellbutrin due to a change in my insurance. The results of a study done on Budeprion and its potency were released earlier this month and it seems it doesn't treat depression as effectively as Wellbutrin does. I had been debating whether to continue drug treatment anyway so I tossed my pills that day.

I don't know how all of this will pan out and I can't say I am not scared. I've started to try and get some exercise everyday and take vitamins and just hope my brain chemicals are on their best behavior...at least for awhile.

"shows little interest in pleasurable activities"

Now that The Muffler spilled her beans, I feel safer spilling mine. For years, years, years, and more years, The Oval Office has been sad. I've been sad too, and a consistent consumer of any/all psychotropic meds on the market. It's become a well-known fact that many antidepressants carry the side effect of lowered libido or difficulty reaching an orgasm. This concern, however, seems only to be the scourge of men and is easily fixed with Viagra, as it turns out. Not so easy for women.

I tried Viagra. I had a kick-ass doctor who knew that, at the time, Viagra was in clinical trials for use by women. It didn't work, though I desperately wanted it too. My face got flushed when I took it, which I guess was sexy, but still, I was sad and so was my sex drive. Viagra isn't considered anymore for women because it turns out that I was in the majority of women for whom Viagra doesn't work. For a few years, I was just frustrated because having sex not only wasn't interesting, but it wasn't always satisfying. But after another few years, I learned something even scarier.

Sex (and/or all of its variations) is a thing that healthy people think about, long for, imagine, and savor. Not for me. Men get aroused at least 700 trillion times during the day and they get...erections, even! I missed the equivalent feeling. I realized that I felt like Barbie with her plastic groin; nothing was going on down there. I was numb and missing out on experiences that are primally delicious and intriguing. I'm not even talking about a numbness with partners, which is another post entirely, but a numbness to the sexual places in me-- in my body, my brain, my expression as a writer, even.

I wish I could say that I realized this and proactively found a solution. Really, I just got a little tired of over ten years of drug treatment and quit most of my drugs. Suddenly, there was feeling. I felt desire again-- it wasn't merely an intellectualized experience. Sometimes I feel like I'm 13 or 14 again when making out with my boyfriend consumed my ENTIRE LIFE, whether we were doing it or not. Last week I had a dream about some guy on a tv show and it was just like being 14 again ( for, like, two days!) only, sadly, he and I didn't actually make out (for real, that is).

So now I'm better; I'm not sad and my crotch is leading a far more satisfying life. And yet. So many women are taking these meds too. And so many of them really have to. But what do they do? I lucked out-- it was an accident that my Barbie crotch sprang to life. Thank god! Of course the proactive answer is that women who have decreased libido should talk to their doctors. Of course. But I'm not sure what they'll say. I'll close my beaver musings with a comment made by one doctor I spoke to: "You know, delayed orgasm can be fun! It gives you that much more time to fool around" No, let me tell you, delayed orgasm is fun when you want delayed orgasm. A delay that last hours and hurts like a motherfucker? That's almost enough to flush the meds and choose misery in exchange for those few blessed seconds. Hallelujah, praise the lord!

The horrible truth about my vajayjay.

My vajayjay has "special needs".

She is very sensitive and gets irritated by the most simple things like glycerin, latex. She's had a deep fear and loathing on tampons since she came of age. She needs lots of special care.

So I spoke with my very lovely Dr. Gyno (her name has been changed to protect the innocent) and we talked about my muffler's needs. We discovered a lube that didn't require me to eat yogurt with every meal. There happen to be three, count 'em THREE non-latex condom options (one being the femidom which I have yet to use, anyone with personal info on those?), with more hopefully coming on the market. And then we came on the very difficult subject of tampons. Lord knows we have tried just about anything possible. Cardboard applicators, plastic applicators, curved, straight. All to no avail. Not only were they awkward but physically painful to use for longer than 5 minutes. I've even tried the itty bitty little OB's with their creepy animated character Hoobie, all to no avail. I explained this to Dr. Gyno and she turned the swivel light on my special place and low and behold... I have been shortchanged. I can only take the short end of the stick, literally.

This is yet another instructional reproductive organ image. We are specifically looking at the length of the vagina itself. The average vaginal length/depth is difficult to quantify. If you Go Ask Alice you'll find that there is no real "average" as there is a lot of flexibility in our magic place. But I learned from Dr. Gyno that my magic place is just... a little more condensed. I am working with about 2-4 inches, even if the cervix moves that might bring me to about 6 inches.
That's not a lot of room to work with. While it was deeply disturbing to find this out, I learned that there is no harm involved, that I just have to be more flexible, I do yoga, this is not intimidating. And frankly, this trip to Dr. Gyno is part of the reason we're all here talking about our own Vajayjay's, The Oval Office and I found this revelation to be so fascinating that we felt the need to talk about it for hours, and felt that other women probably had similar stories to tell. I'm so proud to be the owner of a stunted, but talented vajayjay who knows what she wants and isn't afraid to ask for the good stuff!
Love,
Mink Muffler

Vintage Advertising

It's interesting to look at ads from the 1940s and 50s because of how they reflect prevailing attitudes about women at that time.

Like this one about poor Undignified and Undainty Dot who laments the fact that she can't get dates with the popular boys because of a less-than-daisy-smelling muff. Meanwhile her pal Jean, rushes home from a rendevous to rinse her panties while extolling the virtues of LUX detergent "Before I go to bed, I'll LUX my undies. How awful to risk undie odor...it ruins a girl's popularity".

Or this advertorial for Tampax. Again, it's all about the daintiness and odorlessness of vajayjays..even at that special time of the month.

These ads differ from the Tom Ford and Dolce & Gabbana ads in that they are aimed at women while the former use women to sell things to men, but still--how will future generation see us using these as a lens?

"Once you take away the pubic hair, there's really not much mystery there!"

Here's an interesting essay on the fairly recent phenomenon of removing all traces of hair from our nether regions. That's actually what struck me about the Tom Ford ad.

Happy Birthday, Lady Bizness!

If only we could all be together and celebrate around a vagina cake. Have a good one, Biz.
xoxoxo
The Oval Office

Riffing some more on vaginal friendly or unfriendly advertising. I'd love to point you towards a couple of ads that I found on my ever loving Boingboing.net.

This creepy fist flipping us off as it takes over this womans vajayjay makes me uncomfortable on so many levels I can't even put it into coherent thought. But I would also like to point out her porn star nails, kudos to Tom Ford for this lovely piece of ad work.





But in other news, I've really wanted to point people towards a website that is informative, full of facts and tidbits... oh and god damn hilarious. Welcome to the Midwest Teen Sex Show.

what women want?!

Yes. The subject of the degradation of women in advertising is relatively old news. It's just that it's still there. I'm not so worried about educated adult women (but maybe I am) but I'm more scared for girls. Damn, There's some pretty f-ed up shit out there. Visit http://loveyourbody.nowfoundation.org for some (especially) young woman stuff. Courtesy of NOW, of course. Now for the visual aids...

Tagged as offensive:

(This is an illness. A very sad, very difficult to treat illness.

This ad makes me sad more than it makes me mad)

(This ad scares the shit out of me. Note that the two shirtless men

appear to be "military." The rest look like frat boys. Two groups

of men who are not necessarily known for their feminist activism)

Now for some nice ads:

(My happiness doesn't involve rollerblading, but the sentiment is nice.)

(I love this woman. She's stunning.)

(I hope.)

I'd love to see more ads that y'all find that are either offensive or affirming. It's a fun game to play.

Happy Sunday,

The Oval Office

A helpful warning

The Oval Office has recommended that I share this delightful and appropriate sign, posted over the baggage claim conveyor belt at JFK Airport. So many euphemistic possibilities.



Most unfortunately, I was unable to retrieve my camera fast enough when, after an equipment malfunction stalled the movement of the bags, an airport employee proceeded to disobey the sign in a dramatic fashion by holding aside the rubber flaps and climbing right into the "opening." So naughty! It made me realize that I've always been somewhat intrigued by the baggage claim apparatus and the mysterious magic that delivers my suitcase to me. An "opening" seems to invite speculation about what goes on behind or inside of it; the need for this sign offers proof of the irresistible urge to penetrate these mysteries at peril of life and limb...

Sent to me by an alert Vadge...

I thought the stork brought it

Oval's post about the female anatomy reminded me of a story my mom told me. A woman where she worked was pregnant (and I believe it was not her first child) and somehow they got into a discussion about giving birth. This 35-year old woman was shocked to discover that her baby didn't come out of the same hole that her pee did.

Does that disturb anyone else?

She Has One Too!

Articles abound about Hillary Clinton's appeal to women. Will she sail into the White House because of us? Are women really weighing the fact that she is a woman as heavily as the media seems to think we are (Wants universal health care. CHECK. Has a vagina. CHECK)?

I came across an interesting piece in the NY Times about women's online political involvement. Judging by the participants on overtly political blogs, women aren't really engaged. It turns out, that if we delve a bit deeper, women are motivated to partake in political discourse through different means. We may care deeply about health care so we talk about health care legislation on health care blogs. We believe in a woman's right to choose so we support candidates who do on pro-choice blogs. What do you think?

I get a little irked by the notion that women become mothers and then vote for candidates based solely on that. Really?

"vajayjays are a dirty, dirty place over which they have no control"

reminds me of this:

In Lady Biz's last post, she used the above phrase, I'm sure, to mean "a place over which everyone BUT the girl has control." Except I go to what feels like an archetypal version of the vagina, which is a place of terror-- the blackest of black holes. With teeth, even.

I can't remember too many times when The Oval Office has felt as if it was in control (CUNTrol?) of me and yet, being a gal who likes to play with the boys, I want to say I do remember. In fact, I want to say it's a constant state of need. As in, "my penis tells me what to do," except, "my vadge gives me all my instructions." I'd be a liar. The V-J-J gives me a few pointers, but generally it's pretty chill.

Am I undersexed? Over-prudified? Should The Office be more vicious? More aggressive? Should anything, especially my netherworld, be anything that starts with "should be..." ???

And then, speaking of fear and black holes, I think of the many times I have encountered women who are certain that they've lost things in their vagina. Like, say, contraceptive devices, tampons, apple pies, etc. Panocha probably knows more about this fear (via the women she's known/worked with) than I do, but I've had to break out the old standby reproductive system diagram:

And then I note that, "See the cervix? Stuff doesn't go in it. Damn sure, stuff can come out, but the in? Not happening. At least not by accident." As for the out-of-control flesh-eating gaping hole? Our friend, the Parts Poster shows us a mild mannered little vagina-as-satchel. Maybe a coin purse, on its mild days.

I don't know, ladies. Is there an in-between the clinical and the horrifying for our vadge system? Eh, that question's too academic this morning. Back to Biz's post: at the very least, I can have this conversation with myself, knowing full well that right this minute, I can operate The Oval Office at my discretion. Damn the day that I legally can't.

xxx

The Oval Office

Pro-Polyester

A Pittsburgh-based anti-abortion group was out-and-about this rapturous Sunday morn in front of a women’s hospital. They had the usual dismembered fetus photo placards, but got creative and added a yellow arrow with “Abortionist” printed on it pointing toward the hospital’s entrance. Not surprisingly, the smiling placard-holders were mostly a) old men sans vajayjays or b) girls under the age of 16 who will be taught that their vajayjays are a dirty, dirty place over which they have no control.

I went to said pro-life group’s website and came across this creepy-ass doll with the caption: It is not just an ordinary toy but an instrument created to impress on children that life is sacred and beautiful. This loving mother and baby can be a device to help stop the senseless killing in the world…*with the exception being when we attack, maim, or kill doctors and nurses.

*OK, I added this.

And this thing is $30! You're certainly not paying for the doll's attire. White polyester overalls. PUHLEEEEZE.

Congratulations!

To a friend to vaginas. And the rest of the earth:

a humble first post

This is more pertinent to the labial/inner thigh region, but it's worth a note. For those of us who wear tights sans underwears, may I suggest the following product?

McTwat turned me on to this business. I give it 3 out of 4 stars. If it lasted longer, it would be a 4 star product.